Confessions of a Sexist
INTRODUCTION
Who calls himself a sexist?
For the last 25 years I have taken an active part in the business world. Both as a consultant, running my own company, and as personnel manager in the fields of entertainment and computers. For a number of years, I was responsible for the European managership development in an American computer company.
I have held hundreds of conferences within the fields of communication and leadership and have developed leadership programmes in cooperation with INSEAD in France and London Business School in London. Basically, I am a psychologist, and since 1992 I run my own consulting company within the line of recruitment and organization development. I have been part of about ten management groups and I have acted as adviser to many young people, men as well as women.
Once, on a conference in 2002, I raised the issue of equality.
Once, in 25 years.
While working on this book, I have read a great deal about women and their fight for equality and it has indeed worried me. Surely, some progress have been made during the last hundred years, but not as much as sometime is claimed. Not structurally, not profoundly.
What is sexism? According to the glossary, sexism is a way of behaviour that means discrimination on the basis of gender. According to my own definition, it is when one of the sexes considers itself standing above the other. The result of that is the creation of an imbalance. This means that women can be sexists, too. I claim that I have met such women. And so have probably you.
Many Women Are Even Better
For sure, women are more being heard of and seen today than ever before, but only if you look and listen really carefully. Unfortunately, there are still a substantial number of men who close their eyes and hope that the nightmare will disappear. The nightmare that consists the unpleasant fact that many women are just as capable, or even more so, in a wide range of fields. And I am not referring to domestic work, child care ore nursing.
I have looked upon myself as a man with modern values. But I turned out to be wrong, and it has taken me years to discover that. It also required some incidents beyond my control to make me see what it was really like. It was when I started to study the field of equality that my view of femininity, masculinity, feminism and equality gradually changed. Many are the occasions when I have discussed equality with female managers and tried to understand their situation. During the process of creating this book, I interviewed about 30 women on prominent posts in trade and industry.
I have also participated in a number of seminars on the subject and I have, as mentioned, read quite a number of books. And I have learnt a lot. The oppression is worse and more complexed than I ever could have imagined.
The Picture Is Clear
Generally, the picture is rather distinct: there is a superiority and an inferiority, and women come off worst. But despite this we act as if this subject has to be studied over and over again. I find that strange. We know that the men and the boys are those who need to broaden their vision. And yet we stubbornly seek more information to support this knowledge instead of dealing with the actual problem. But that is perhaps not so surprising. According to custom, women are the ones to adjust to current circumstances. Nowadays, voices are raised for the participating, changing and developing of men.
An important event in my own process of understanding was when I sat with my daughter Jennyfer, at that time 17 years old, discussing her school, career and future. As usual, Jennyfer thought I had strange ideas and a strange way of handling things. She looked at me and said:
- You know, daddy, I have always thought that you have a brain damage.
And suddenly I realized that she meant it. She really meant that. Every word.
Hopefully, I have not got a brain damage. But I have definitely been brainwashed and fooled, as many of my fellow brothers out there.
Nowadays I look upon the the world with opened eyes, and when I use a woman's perspective on values and conduct I do not recognise myself. I have passively and actively participated in this oppression and I have defended the current order of discrimination on the basis of gender. And to be honest, I am ashamed of myself. But only to a certain degree, as I do not consider the fault to be entirely mine – even though I am fully aware of that I alone carry the ultimate responsibility.
I am raised – well, drilled – to believe that men are better than women and therefore shall be in charge. Women tend the household and take care of the children and therefore ought to work part time. Men take care of the economy and support the family. I am a Swedish, middleaged, white man with my own consultant business and I have made a career both nationally and internationally. I was the apple of my mother's eye and the one that lifted the status of the family from working class of Skutskär (all chimneys and smoke from the sulphate mill) to the crème de la crème of Paris.
I still consider men to be superior, even though I know it is wrong. I know that men and women have the same value. But the thought does not come natural. The delusion is deeply rooted. My upbringing, advertising, TV and film have affected my 50 year old brain and my way of thinking. But I have not given up. Intellectually, I know what is right and what is wrong, and I want to change. Even though I know that values run deep.
On Women's Side
I am writing this book as a contribution to the debate about equality and career. To avoid any misunderstanding, I want to emphasize that I am on women's side. I am a witness, ready to give evidence. It is time to confess.
Accusations given through media are quite true but we men do not take theese matters seriously. You could say that the sexists have changed strategy, which enables us to continue our segregation. Men claim to be in favour of equality and the principle of equal pay, but that is only as long as it does not effect their own sphere of influence and salary. To be politically correct, we are all officially on women's side. But that, of course, is not true. A majority, in which I include many supportive women, are in favour of the men and their rights.
To succeed in life you have to develop as a human being, which means to be content with who you are and what you have achieved. Many agree on that career and money are secondary to true basic values.
But then there are some who do not. People carrying a lifelong deception, believing happiness comes with money and possessions. In their private thoughts these people, mostly men, house other points of views. By joining the patriarchate they hide their inferiority towards women, their dread of them and their fear of being left outside the fellowship.
But the patriarchate is rocking. Women are gradually let in, because we have no other options.
The Necessity of Generalizing
Despite our individual and gender differences we are rather alike, so in order to draw conclusions, have discussions and analyse situations I need to generalize. And that is what I will do in this book.
A clear cut example of a well established generalization is driving a car. As a driver I have to assume that other drivers I meet on the road are alert, concentrated and sober. Otherwise I would not dare to get out there. But we know that is far from the truth. People drive affected with both alcohol and drugs, with screaming kids in the back seat and cellphones ringing.
If I did not accept my generalized picture of drivers I would have to spend an enormous lot of time and effort wondering about each and every driver I meet on the road and whether we are going to collide or not. Or I would avoid going out in the traffic altogether. So, as I said, this book is partly based on generalizations.
I am sure that some of you will raise objections. But I maintain that we often act and react in the same way, based on more or less conscious assumptions.
You might think that you are the exception that proves the rule, but I would like even you to consider my reasonings with an open mind. It is not until we are aware of our valuations and actions that we are able to make a change.
I start from a general picture of what I see and hear. Every day I see examples of men counteracting women and I say that we are deceiving ourselves when we claim to be feminists and that we support equality. Men are all sexists, and I am one of them.
We put in our heads that we treat our fellow beings with dignity and respect and that we long for family life and responsibility. At the same time we regard ourselves as more valuable than women. We claim higher salaries, we offer a helping hand with the household, we babysit and we rather spend our time at work or keeping fit in some stadium than sharing it with our children. This is speaking with a split tounge.
Contribution to a Discussion or a Book About Management
Unfortunately, not only men are chauvinist pigs. Most people in our society are. I meet them in my everyday life - from Jacob, 17, to Annika, 32, to Christer, 57, to Elsa, 78 years old.
This book aims to visualise and confirm what most women already know: that men oppress women in a variety of fields, using obvious or hidden techniques. The book is also about company cultures, about how organizations handle matters of equality and leadership. And about what women who want to make a career need to consider in our unequal society.
Hopefully, this book can be used to indicate debates within the field of leadership training in organizations and companies. Perhaps a few directors will find it useful as a source of inspiration, because in the end of the book, I will introduce some plans of action and useful tools to use for anyone who is striving for changes.
Maybe this book also will work as an alarm clock to other sexists. I hope to reach men with power and influence who have started to reflect over their values and actions. Perhaps they can be awakened and become sensible sexists and from there start their progress to become more equal in their way of thinking and acting. It is not until we are aware of our shortcomings that we can do something about them.
The Upbringing of a Sexist
The Upbringing and the Childhood
Retrospectively, I can see a clear pattern regarding my values in life. My mother was both strong and dominant. You may believe that these two words mean the same, but I think that there is an essential difference.
In general, woman are strong and men are dominant.
The strength of women is their unbending will to mix the professional life with domestic life, to have another go with problems mounting up, to seek solutions and see opportunities. In short, women protect life.
Men's dominance is more artificial. Most men enjoy certain benefits just by being born men. We haven´t earned the appreciation, but we get it from earliest infancy because we are boys. Young men dominate in the classrooms, boys and men get better practicing hours in the sports arenas and more resourses when it comes to leisure-time activities. The list is never-ending.
My mother's upbringing turned me into a sexist. I did not fully realize this until I started to write this book.
However, she is not alone to blame. My father contributed as well as my grandfather and grandmother, and the whole village where I grew up. Society in general carries its responsibility, not least the school. All my male friends are sexists, and most of my female friends too.
Many men claim that they are feminists, but that is just words. Our true values are deeply rooted. They can not be changed overnight and it is a difficult procedure even in a longer perspective. Attitudes and behaviour are extremely difficult to change during a generation. You are brought up with certain values that you carry through life. My mother was litterally a sexist and I became the same.
Good Girls, Bad Girls
I pictured and unfortunately still sometimes picture women as being one of two categories: the strong and the week. The former, who were a few only, made careers and ruled with an iron hand. The latter you married in order to breed.
I may banter, but I seriously claim that I had categorized men and women already in my early childhood. And the picture was either black or white. Good girls, bad girls, whores, madonnas, dragons and doormats. Even though I did not realize it then, I was brought up to be a sexist by a man and a woman who seemed to be normal and honest citizens. I still carry the good girl, bad girl syndrome with me and there is not a day when I don't try to handle it. I have made some progress but I know that I will never entirely get rid of that burden, and that affects my everyday life.
Both my parents made sure that we children knew that women are not trustworthy. At the same time, my mother made us understand that we could put our trust in her, no matter what. Her motto was: “Do what you like but don't come running to mummy when things go wrong”.
It was not hard to choose then. You acted the way mummy wanted for fear of being left alone.
The motto of my mother sounds like a threat, and a threat it was. Or, as the psychoanalyst Melanie Klein would have put it, conditional love. You bet it was effective!
Even now, being an adult and eight years after her death, I can not help wondering if she would let me down if was to defy her today.
Deep down I think the threat was empty, but I never dared to challenge it.
Used in management, this method is just as effective. And I have met many leaders who have realized that. Men as well as women. Unfortunately, I turned into such a leader myself. Unawarely guided by my mother I have wondered around, furious if someone has “let me down”, and that behaviour has led to nothing but misery.
So, I do not trust women, why should I? Does anyone believe that you change your profound values and contradict mummy just because someone suggests that? Not me, anyway.
From the book, Confessions of a sexist, published in english 2008 (Athena)